


Every Minute

by nessauepa



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV), SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Boys In Love, Cheesy, Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, Growing Up Together, M/M, Post-Canon, Sex, Talking, Teasing, Texting, Therapy, stupidly in love, supportive friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:25:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11859027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nessauepa/pseuds/nessauepa
Summary: “I was thinking about something...” Isak was serious.“This is good, for a change…” Even was trying to hide a smile, but failing miserably.Isak looked at him and rolled his eyes.“What happened to ‘oh Isak, you are such a genius and smart guy. Oh, how intelligent you are. Oh, your scientific talk turns me on so much’. Who the fuck gets turned on hearing scientific crap? You are such a weirdo”.“Ah, so this is me talking? First of all, I don't say ‘Oh Isak’. I'm not some Jane Austen’s character. Second, I'm not ashamed of your scientific crap turning me on and I know that you deliberately use that on me all the time.”“Its because I'm the master of deliberately using scientific talk” Isak said cockily.





	1. I Can't Help Falling In Love With You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cuteandtwisted](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/gifts).



> Follow me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nessauepa
> 
> Canon verse pos S4. They are together for 7 months now. They live together and they are still stupidly in love with each other.  
> They are still getting to know each other and getting stronger as a couple. Still living minute by minute.
> 
> And this is their every minute.
> 
> What can I promise here? Fluff as hell, talking about their insecurities and fears. Getting stronger together. I can also promise lots of lame jokes and tease.
> 
> I also was inspired a lot by music, so I linked Spotify links to the songs that I think would give you a better reading experience. Some scenes were completely inspired and raised because of specific songs.
> 
> This fic is dedicated to cuteandtwisted. Your writing is beautiful and you inspired me to write this. 
> 
> This is also dedicated to my husband, that made me feel all these stupid in love feelings, that allowed me to write it down through Even/Isak. 
> 
> This is my first fic ever, and English is not my main language, so I'm a little scared.  
> Also, if you liked it please leave a comment telling me if you want me to continue, because I have soooo many ideas left. I have some parts already written.
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading it :)  
> Alter er love

_Can't Help Falling In Love - Perfume Genius Version_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/1xu7UZFg8infyIxZRyAW6H ](https://open.spotify.com/track/1xu7UZFg8infyIxZRyAW6H)

It was the middle of the night when Isak started hearing something like whisperings. His first thought was that he was dreaming. He had barely woken up, his eyes still closed, savoring that sweet seconds between the dreams land and reality.

He couldn't understand what was being said, but he knew who was it. Even though he could not assimilate words, he would always recognize that deep voice. And it was funny to think about because he had never heard this voice one year before, but now it meant his whole world.

_Even._

And he just rolled his eyes mentally, because yes, he was now that kind of person. Nauseatingly in love. But fuck it. Fuck it all. It felt good and he tried do not give a shit for what people could think about it. But then Even murmured again and derailed his train of thought.

He really didn't know why, but somehow he felt like he was invading Even's moment. He simply froze and didn't allow himself to open his eyes. This feeling didn't make sense at all. Isak had just woken up and caught his boyfriend singing. No big deal. So why he still felt like he caught Even in a particular moment?

They were both lying on their sides with their faces very close to each other. Isak could feel Even's warm breath on his skin giving him tickles. It would be so simple to just open his eyes and catch Even's glance. Say hi or tease him for being such a cheesy and weirdo boyfriend. But he couldn't move because it seemed kind of important. He just stayed quiet and tried to identify what Even was singing.

“Some things...are meant to be...”

Even was barely pronouncing the words.

"Take...my...hand..."

Isak's heart started beating faster and faster in his chest.

"Take my whole...life...too..."

Could Even notice it?

"For...I...I can't help..."

Even's voice cracked and Isak’s heart skipped a beat.

"...falling in love…”

A warm feeling started spreading across his chest.

“...with..."

And gosh it felt so good.

"you."

Even stopped singing, but Isak could tell that he was not falling asleep because he could hear Even's breath accelerating and becoming irregular and it was making Isak grown anxious, but he still couldn't move or open his eyes.

_What the fuck is happening?_

Isak's head started spinning and he was now imagining all worst scenarios in his head. _Is Even feeling bad? Is he spiraling to a depressive episode? A manic one?_

He had only ever seen him in an episode once, just after they met. It was fucking scary see Even with that blank expression, to stare at him and see no reaction. It was fucking scary because he was in love, because he didn’t feel alone anymore, until suddenly he was again. And it hurt so much. It was fucking heartbreaking do not see the sparkles in his eyes anymore when he looked at him. But even this he could bear. What really crushed his heart was seeing him lifeless in his bed. Do not see him laughing and the crinkles by his eyes. Do not see the frown between his eyes that always appeared when he was drawing.

_Do not see you living._

And then Even started again.

"Shall I...stay?"

Isak's started becoming nauseous, something didn't feel right.

"But I can't help...falling in love with you."

Isak’s mind was going wild, and his breath started becoming erratic. What if he were entering in a manic episode? What if Isak didn’t notice it or sleep through it and he got hurt? _Don’t see your kind blue eyes anymore._

He was almost choking and opening his eyes when he felt it on his lips. So softly that he thought Even was blowing his lips. But then he felt Even's perfume so close. Even had joined their lips together so gently and barely touching it. And then Isak knew for sure that Even never intended Isak to witness nothing of that, he was being very very careful to be quiet and do not disturb Isak's sleep.

Even stayed like that badly touching Isak's lips for a couple seconds that felt like minutes. Then he stepped back and Isak heard Even's breathing slowly becoming normal again.

Isak could still feel the warmth of Even’s lips and his bad thoughts started fading away, he could only concentrate on Even deeply breathing beside him.

Isak relaxed.

His mind calmed down. His heart stopped racing on his chest and he fell asleep again.

**.**

 

Next day was Saturday and they were both lazily spending the day together in their bed, playing video games.

Isak still remembered the last night and how Even grew anxious at some point. He heard that little voice in his head again, the one that always remembered him that his boyfriend was bipolar. Is he falling in a depressive episode? _A manic one?_ How could he help him? He felt so fucking useless about it. He was only 18 and none of them could really control Even's episodes.

As soon as he discovered about Even being bipolar he started reading everything that he could find about it. Not rarely he found things that hurt like hell to read. _Not my baby._ This was so unfair, the kindest person that he had ever met being hurt. He couldn’t bear not smiling Even. Hurt Even.

So this morning he paid attention. He watched him waking up, he checked his appearance and his humor. He didn’t even relaxed when Even kissed him good morning. He stared at him until Even raised an eyebrow returning his gaze with curiosity. Isak analyzed him and monitored him. Until he realized that this wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair with Even, with none of them.

He knew that was possible to have a good quality of life and live with it. He tried to concentrate on that. There were plenty of things that could be done and Isak wanted Even to have the best treatments and the best support system, so he was really bothering Even about getting some therapy.

He was planning to have a talk about it with Even today. But he didn't know how to bring the subject, so he kept playing and staring the tv quietly, until something caught his attention in the game making him scowl.

Even's players started going to the wrong side of the field and one of them just kicked the ball, scoring an own goal.

"Even, what the fuck!" Isak couldn't believe it.

"What?" Even stared at Isak, surprised.

"Are you being serious?! You just scored an own goal!" Isak said.

"What? I didn't," said Even.

"Yes, you did," Isak said, pointing angrily to the tv.

"Oh," Even seemed confused.

"Oh my god, Even! We are playing the same match for a while, how could you suddenly forget about your side of the field?" Isak always got serious about Fifa.

"What?! It is a honest mistake..." Even shrugged. He was smiling now.

"Honest mistake? Honest mistake, Even?!" Isak started shaking his head slowly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

And he could hear Even leaning back onto the bed bursting on laughing. _The fucker_. Angry Isak was for some reason the most amusing thing for Even.

However, angry Isak never lasted, not when Even was laughing so happily and wide like that. So the only thing Isak could do were stare at him, how Even's eyes were now closed, his full lips parted, and that delicious sound of his baby happy. Even could be 2 years older and tall as a damn giraffe, but he was his baby boy too.

He wanted to take care of him. But he knew that it was impossible. But if therapy could help a little bit, he just didn't get why wouldn't Even do that?

"Even..." Isak murmured.

"What, baby?" Even replied between laughs still trying to control himself and turning his head to Isak, completely paying attention to him now.

“I was thinking about something,” Isak was serious.

“This is good, for a change,” Even was trying to hide a smile, but failing miserably.

Isak looked at him and rolled his eyes.

“What happened to " _oh Isak, you are such a genius and smart guy. Oh, how intelligent you are. Oh, your scientific talk turns me on so much"_. Who the fuck gets turned on hearing scientific crap? You are such a weirdo”.

“Ah, so this is me talking? First of all, I don't say " _Oh Isak"_. I'm not some Jane Austen’s character. Second, I'm not ashamed of your scientific crap turning me on and I know that you deliberately use that on me all the time.

“Its because I'm the master of deliberately using scientific talk,” Isak said cocky.

“I know that, baby boy. You really are,” said Even laughing.

“You know, you are mine too,” said Isak shily.

“Hm...what?” Even said frowning.

“You are my baby boy too”.

“Isak, Im older, taller and wiser, I can't be your baby boy. You are mine though. My cute baby boy”.

“The wiser part is debatable. And yes, you are. 'Cause...you know, when people are sleeping all their muscles relax and studies say that people seem like years younger. So when you are sleeping you look younger than me and you are my baby boy then.”

Even scoffed.

"You know that this sounds like some random scientific shit that you just invented now.” And then he continued "Where is my master of deliberating talking scientific talk?”.

Isak was always very sensible regarding people challenging him, so he couldn't avoid show his boyfriend his skills. He smirked and climbed onto his boyfriend's lap.

“So you want to hear some real quality...dirty...scientific talk, baby?” Isak whispered.

Even was taken aback, so he just stared at his boyfriend in wonder raising an eyebrow.

“Do you know that when people kiss...on the mouth,” Isak was pronouncing every single word slowly while brushing his nose across Even's neck and Even's nose. He just smelled so good. _Fuck._

“They say that you will carry the other person DNA with you for an entire hour...inside your mouth?” Isak tilted his head up and licked his lips, stopping to look into Even's eyes.

Even couldn't concentrate in anything but Isak saying " _mouth_ ," the slow dancing of Isak's tongue touching his upper teeths.

Isak kept going, never breaking eye contact. His hands sliding over Even's shoulders until they reached his forearms. Isak squeezed the muscles there at same time that he pressed himself against Even’s hips, causing Even to groan low.

“So baby, do you want me inside you? A whole hour?” Isak was staring him directly in the eyes, glancing Even’s lips now and then.

“Damn, Isak! You are good in this shit,” Even said closing his eyes.

“I know," Isak said cocky. “And have you thought that you knew me in high school? That I'm going to university. That I'm becoming smarter every day?“

“Isak...” Even said in a weak voice.

“You know, I love my name when you are saying it,” said Isak while running his hands under Even’s t-shirt and resting them over his stomach feeling the soft skin there.

“Hm,” Even's breathing was getting heavier.

“Even,” Isak started giving Even's neck kisses between each word. “I..will...study...so...so...so..hard.”

Even gasped.

“Isak. Kiss me,” Even's eyes were closed. And he was so gone.

Isak could feel him becoming harder and harder. And he felt triumphant.

“I'm kissing you already, Even,” Isak's voice sounded fakely innocent.

Even couldn't believe this boy. Where was that shy boy that he had to break in a fucking pool with to steal a kiss? Look now at this gorgeous young man, driving him crazy. All confident and secure of himself. _Oh god, my Isak has game. And I'm lost._

“On the mouth, Isak. Please, on the mouth,” Even said, his eyes never opening.

And Isak obliged, biting Even's lower lip first and gaining a low moan from Even that made his heart clench before joining their lips together.

 _If you just knew how much your fucking lips drive me crazy_.

Isak was lost in his thoughts and in Even’s lips when Even suddenly flipped them around, making Isak gasp in surprise. Even looked to Isak’s eyes and them to his lips, leaning down and wrapping Isak’s lower lip with his mouth, sucking it gently.

“Baby,” Even mumbled.

“Hm,” moaned Isak, his head numb.

“What were you thinking?” said Even giving him quick and sweet pecks in the mouth.

“Hum?” Isak opened his eyes to stare at him.

“You said that you were thinking about something," He smiled softly.

 _Oh._ This wasn't the first time that he tried to have this talk. But Even was always so distracting. And Isak being more than willing to be distracted didn't help at all.

Isak closed his eyes and sighed. He put his hands on Even’s chest and gently pushed him away to sit on the bed. He looked at his boyfriend in confusion. His head was still spinning.

“I mean, before you were trying to seduce me,” Even’s smile got bigger.

Isak looked up to him from under his eyelashes and couldn't avoid return him a smile back.

“Trying? Even, you are here in my bed, with me. I wouldn't say _'trying’_ ,” Isak said.

“Your bed, huh? So this is how it would be if we got a divorce?” Even's voice was low and raspy.

“What the fuck, Even. We are not married!” Isak shouted.

“Yet,” Even winked, smiling widely. _He fucking winked_.

“I’m 18 years old! I’m not getting married!” Isak yelled.

“Yet,” Even winked again.

“Stop saying 'yet'! And who the fuck winks these days?” said Isak.

Even bursted on laughing.

“Hey, don't be rude, you are breaking my heart,” Even pouted.

Isak glared at him in disbelief. “You are asking me about my thoughts and one second later you are talking about marriage! Why are you like that?”

Even stared at him for a while and then extended one hand towards him with a smile dancing on his lips “Even Bech Naesheim, bipolar.”

Isak's mouth felt open.

“You didn't do that!” Isak was shocked.

“What?” He tried to sound innocent, but laughing instead.

“You just used your illness as a joke, Even?” Isak said.

“What is the problem with that?” Even was trying to hide his smile.

“It's...I don't know. You can't joke about something like that,” Isak said shaking his head.

“Why not? I could have joke with something way worse,” Even said with a deep voice.

“It seems just wrong...” Isak said with a low voice.

“Hey, it’s like Voldemort,” Even said, squeezing Isak’s nose with his index finger.

“Like what?!” Isak frowned.

“Fear of a name only give it more power,” Even said, grinning.

"Ok, Dumbledore," Isak rolled his eyes again. "You still want to know what I was thinking?."

"I always want to know what you are thinking," said Even sincerely.

"Geez, you are a ball of cheesy crap, aren't you?” said Isak in disbelief.

**.**

_Breathe Me - Sia_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/7jqzZyJJLrpkRFYGpkqSK6 ](https://open.spotify.com/track/7jqzZyJJLrpkRFYGpkqSK6)

Isak kept staring at Even trying to decide how to say it without making him upset, without making him stop smile. He just didn't want him to stop smiling. Isak sighed. Even noticed that change of mood and brought his hand to massage the frown that was formed between Isak's eyes.

"Baby, what is it? You know that you can talk about anything with me, right?" said Even.

Isak stayed quiet, staring the sheets now.

"Come here!!" Even said playfully, grabbing him abruptly with both hands, bringing him close and making Isak gasp in surprise.

He put him in a tight embrace, both hands firmly on Isak's back, intertwining their legs. Their chests glued together. Even brought his chin to rest gently on the top of Isak's head. Isak could feel Even's warm breath so close, giving him tickles and it felt good. So he relaxed, sighing and melting into Even's touch. This was his favorite place in the world. It was his home, where he felt safe.

Isak closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on Even's breath. They were so close now, Isak could feel him everywhere. He could feel Even's body heat and his heart beating under his palms that were now pressed against Even's chest. Even's heart beat was strong and loud, and it was the best sound in the world. That meant that everything was alright. He had Even. He was not a dream, he was real, and he was there. With him. _Safe._ And for some reason, he was as much in love as Isak. Isak couldn't suppress a smile. _Oh boy. Look at me now._ And then he rolled his eyes, even though they were closed.

Isak's nose was pressed against Even's neck and he could feel his scent everywhere. Isak couldn't help but brush his nose delicately through Even's neck, breathing him in. _I lost myself again._ Even smelled like baby powder and Isak could feel it even when they were apart. It was impressed in his brain.

They stayed like that for a while. Even didn't push him, giving him time. And after what felt like hours, Even pulled back just a little, bringing one hand to carefully brush Isak's hair off his forehead. He started brushing his nose against the skin there, smelling it. Isak didn't move, just stayed there, eyes closed, hugging him tighter.

Then Even pressed a rough kiss against his forehead, keeping his lips glued there for a couple seconds. Isak was thinking that maybe it would leave marks there, when Even sighed and pressed his cheek firmly against Isak's forehead, holding him even tighter. And Isak heard Even whispering "I'm so in love with you".

This did things to Isak's stomach. He moved in Even's embrace, lifting his chin up, catching Even's eyes. So, so blue. They stared at each other. Isak's eyes locked with him. _Dammit._ Their breaths accelerating now.

Isak thought that it was the look of someone in love, and Even’s eyes were only reflecting Isak's own. He knew that they were very in love with each other, nauseatingly in love, stupidly in love. This thought gave him shivers on his spine and made his heart expand in his chest. He felt like somehow his heart could literally explode someday.

 _Fuck my life._ So he lifted up his chin even more, and closed his eyes. Begging for their lips together. Even took the hint and kissed him so softly and with so much care, his hands reaching up to gently cup Isak's face.

Their lips stayed only touching each other for a couple seconds. And then both of them opened their mouths at same time, like they were in synchrony. Their tongues touching delicately. Hurtfully slow, savoring each other taste. Dancing together very very slowly, brushing each other lazily.

Isak felt everything in everywhere, his heart racing in his chest. He needed to feel Even more, so he ran his hands into Even's back and pulled him closer, if this was even possible. Their mouths never parting. Even mirrored Isak's movement, pulling Isak closer with his hands on his back, holding him tight.

Their chests painfully pressed together, holding each other tightly with their legs intertwined. Kissing like they needed each other as much as they needed air. Isak's hands reaching up the back of Even's neck to pull his hair, gaining a muffled moan from Even between their pressed mouths.

Isak opened his eyes slightly, still keeping their mouths together, being followed by Even. They gave each other an intense look that gave Isak shivers through all his body. Then they closed their eyes again and keeping kissing and painting in each other mouths. Their kisses becoming more urgent and sloppy. Isak was very aware now of how hard both of them were, pressed against each other.

Isak then broke their kiss and pulled away just a little to look into Even's eyes again. He had a lost expression. While holding his gaze, Isak just ran his hands over Even's stomach and then sliding down inside Even’s pants, wrapping him in his hand. He notice how Even’s mouth opened and how his eyes started staring at him with pure lust. _Damn it._ This made things inside his own pants.

He started stroking Even very slowly, still looking into his eyes. Even was closing his eyes now and then, but always reopening to look at him. Isak could feel how hard Even was now and Isak was aware of his own situation, how hurtfully hard he was.

Even noticed it as well, because next time that he opened his eyes to stare Isak he also ran his hands inside Isak's pants to touch him. Isak gasped in surprise and moaned low, closing his eyes. It felt so damn good. He kept his eyes closed, with Even stroking as slowly as he was stroking him. It was driving Isak insane. He needed more.

He opened his eyes giving Even a begging look. A _please more_ look and maybe he could even had pouted. But the thing is that Even increased speed, making Isak moan loudly. Isak was still stroking Even, but he became uncoordinated and messy and he was pretty sure that Even was doing a much better job, because he couldn't stop himself from moan on Even’s mouth.

Even wrapped a hand around the back of Isak's neck, pulling him closer. And then catching Isak's lower lip between his own. Isak was losing his shit. He tried hard to keep his pace, but he was having a hard time concentrating. He needed more, so when Even brought his tongue to brush Isak's lips again, Isak met him halfway.

They both losing themselves in each other mouths while stroking each other now fast and uncoordinatedly. But it felt so good. Isak started feeling everything, he could feel him in his pants and inside his mouth. He could feel his painting breathing and his smell. And this was way too overwhelming.

He heard Even mumbling something like “Oh god” and this only make him feel more close. They were both very close to climax and they were both using their mouths like a escape from their painfully situation. Trying to get more contact, more friction. Both painting heavily in each other mouths.

They opened their eyes to stare at each other while keeping their tongues still at touch and stroking each other. And it felt so intimate. And as soon as Isak saw Even’s blue eyes with that gone expression he couldn't hold it anymore. He let go, keeping his eyes opened. Their mouths firmly pressed together, but not kissing anymore. And then Isak let go a “Fuck” between Even's lips.

Even’s mouth dropped open while Isak was half conscious about his surroundings. Isak's whole body still shaking from pleasure. And before he stopped feeling all the waves of pleasure he saw Even closing his eyes, starting to shaking between his touch. Isak was still taken aback, but he couldn't help himself to bring his mouth to kiss Even’s lower lip.

It was becoming his new favourite sport to kiss Even’s lower lip while he was coming. And when he heard Even’s loud groan after he did it, Isak felt satisfied with himself.

They were a painting mess holding each other. Isak raise his head up to stare his boyfriend and when their eyes found each other both couldn't help a smile that appeared on their faces.

_We just fit together._

**.**

_Not About Angels - Birdy_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/5sF7hdYvhrcgNq8NZjfK8L ](https://open.spotify.com/track/5sF7hdYvhrcgNq8NZjfK8L)

Isak’s breathing was starting to be normal again and his mind was returning to reality.

“Fuck, Even. Every time that I tried to have this talk with you, this ended up with us doing stuff."

"What can I say? You can't put me this close to you and expect anything different. You should know that at this point," Even was laying on his back with his hands behind his head.

"You are unbelievable."

"Come here, baby. Let's talk," Even was patting the spot on the bed next to him.

"Hell, no. You stay there," Isak said pointing to the other side of the bed. He sat on the bed, getting a pillow and hugging it tightly against his chest.

"Baby..." Even laughed.

"I'm serious, Even. Every time that I tried to initiate this talk it ended up with you...with you trying to fuck my brains out of my head!" said Isak shaking his head.

Even bursted out laughing.

"Oh my god, Isak. Ok, I promise I will stay here, and try do not fuck anything out of you. At least in the next 15 minutes. Can't promise anything more. I can't control myself when you are this cute and grumpy talking about me fucking your brain out of your head," Even gave him an amused gaze and then make a gesture like he was zipping his mouth.

Isak rolled his eyes, staring his absurd boyfriend. And then he started becoming anxious, because it was his cue to talk. He couldn't postpone this anymore. So he sighed and said it right straight, Jonas style.

"Even, I can't stop thinking about things that I read. I just don't get why wouldn't you get a therapist,” Isak said in a single breath, he was looking at him insecure.

Even stared at him with surprise and then looked sad.

"Isak..." said Even.

"I know that you had bad experiences before. But they say that it can help a lot, Even,” Isak said staring his own hands.

Even laughed nervously and sighed, running his hands through his hair. And then looked at him. So sad.

"Isak, I get it, ok? I know that you want the best for me. But baby, you are knew to it, ok? I had tried plenties of shrinks and therapists before. It's not like I never gave it a try. It would be completely irrational. I may be bipolar, but I'm not crazy," Even looked at him hurt.

"I never said that." Isak's voice was fading away, his courage as well.

Even sighed.

"Baby...come here," Even was now in the middle of the bed, on his knees, extending both his hands to Isak.

Isak extended one hand towards him. Even grabbed it and pulled him closer gently. Isak lowered his eyes to stare the sheets. He didn't know what to say, he didn't intended to upset Even. He was right, he was very new to all of this, but he cared. He cared so fucking much.

"Baby...look at me," Even hands reaching up to cup Isak's head.

Isak tilted his head up shily, looking into Even's eyes. Both of them staring each other sadly. _I did that._ And this thought made him more sad.

"I know that you care about me, and I'm so lucky to have you in my life," Even sighed and Isak waited.

“But I tried it, baby. I went to a lot of therapists and all this kind of professional. But it was bullshit after bullshit. It only made me worse,” Even said with his eyes opened so widely staring at Isak.

“I want you to be ok," Isak looked directly into Even's sad eyes, directly into his soul.

"Baby..." Even sighed again.

"I can't stop thinking about what I read. Some studies say that at least 50% of bipolar will attempt suicide at least once.” Isak gave him a quickly look before continuing without looking at him. “And you already did." Isak couldn't avoid the tears in his eyes now.

“Isak,” Even continued, bringing his hands to hold Isak’s waist. “They gave me so many meds. You can't imagine that. The side effects on the charts...I had them all. I was hurting.” Isak couldn't bare the sadness in Even's voice and he punched himself mentally. _I'm a fucking stupid idiot._

Isak didn't know what to reply, so he just kept his eyes down and stayed quiet.

“My head was numb and empty and I was not me anymore. And it hurt all the time. All the fucking time, Isak,” Even's voice was hoarse.

Isak couldn't even start imagining his pretty boy hurting like that. _I’m so fucking stupid. I don't know shit. Why did I start that._ Even hurting. This made him feel nauseous.

“My brain is fucked up,” both raised their eyes to look to each other, and Even had now tears in his eyes as well. “I'm scared too. But I'm mostly scared that I will hurt you. I know that it will happen and I just don't want you to hate me.” Even looked to him so lost and Isak’s heart clenched in his chest. _Baby._

“I know that it is not easy...to be with me. But I couldn't make myself to stay away from you.” Even was apologizing to Isak, not looking at Isak anymore. “I was so in love.” His voice almost a whisper. He gave Isak a quick glance and continued "I simply couldn't give up on you."

Isak knew him too well to know that he was probably thinking about how he was hurting Isak, and some selfless bullshit like that.

"Stop it, Even. Stop it right now!" Isak was almost yelling now, the tears were not going away, but he was doing a great job holding them in his eyes.

"What?" said Even genuinely confused.

"This selfless _'Oh, I am hurting Isak. I should stay away’_ bullshit," said Isak.

Even stared at Isak speechless. Then Isak brought both hands to cup Even’s face.

"I swear to God, Even. If you ever again leave me because of some selfless bullshit I will find you and I will fucking lose it!" said Isak.

Even kept staring at Isak open mouthed and with wide and surprised eyes.

"I chose to be with you and your bipolar ass, ok? It is my choice. My life is better because you are on it. Let me put it like that If I could have had any guy in the world I still would have picked you. Ok?” Isak was yelling now. _I’m pathetic._

Even just nodded, a shy smile on his face, even though he still had tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Even. I don't know shit," Isak said now with a softer tone. "I'm only saying that you got a pretty shitty roll of dices and we should try to maximize your chances of being happy and healthy. I want you to have a good life. I want you to have the fucking best life of them all. And I want to be with you so fucking badly. You know that?" He stared at Even with a question look. He needed Even to know that. It was important.

Even's eyes were teary, but his expression was soft. He was melting looking to his boyfriend giving him his speech. _I would marry you right now if I could. Even if we are too young. Even if I'm your worst option._

"Even,” Isak was only whispering now. “What if I didn't notice you are getting worse. What if you get hurt?” Isak just look at him and couldn't hide how scared he was about that.

"Isak..." Even raised his hand to caress Isak's cheek softly.

Even grabbed Isak's hands that were still cupping his face and put them on his shoulders, pressing a quick peck to Isak's forehead. Then he stared at Isak's directly in the eyes and smiled sadly.

“Baby…” his voice was soft now. “You need to stop it. I did notice it, ok? You can't try to nurse me or be my parent. If you start treating me like I'm not here too...I will not bare it, Isak. I need you to look at me like you are looking right now. Can you do that? Can you, Isak?” Even was staring at him with a question face.

“I can,” Isak whispered.

“I'm here now, baby,” Even kissed his mouth softly, only brushing their lips. “I’m here.” Even repeated with a sad smile. And then kissed him again.

“Even. Can I ask you something?” said Isak.

“Anything.” Even pressed their foreheads together, making Isak lost his breath and gasp.

“You know that we are together.” Isak took a deep breath. “Like we live together. But I mean...we are together together. You are not alone. You know that?” Isak was making a mess with his words, but he needed to say that.

“I know,” Even sighed and closed his eyes.

“Ok,” Isak closed his eyes too.

“Ok,” repeated Even.

And they stayed like that for a while, holding each other on their knees.

"Baby. I did try to kill myself once," Even said low and he didn't miss how Isak shivred under his touch. "But I was younger and I was lost. It was all very new to me. I'm stronger now. I'm more conscious about my body and my mind. I have you. I have my family. I will be ok."

Isak pulled away looking at him unsure.

"Even, what if someone from his family dies? You can be lost again," said Isak.

"Then I will suffer for a while, but I will get better eventually. And I will have you to support me," said Even softly.

"Ok, what if I dump you then?" said Isak.

"Well, in this case a will be miserable for a while, but then I will get my shit together and get you back," said Even with a half smile on his face.

"What if I don't want you anymore, hu?" Isak raised an eyebrow.

"Well, then my only option will be remind you of my skills of fucking your brain out of your head." Even couldn't hide a smile anymore.

"This is just pretentious," said Isak shoving him gently.

"C'mon, baby. You know that we end up together in every universe," Even said pulling him back.

"Stop smiling, I'm trying to have a serious talk here," Isak said, trying hard to stay serious.

Even laughed. And Isak couldn't help this stupid smile in his face.

"Ok. So are you asking me to stop smiling because you want to talk about how you want me to be happy? Is that correct?" said Even with an amused expression.

"Even!" said Isak.

"Isak..." Even sighed and he was now serious again. "I'm ok, baby. I will be ok. I promise you that I will think about it. Ok?"

"Ok," Isak said shily.

“Ok,” repeated Even.

“Ok,” Isak said staring at him.

“Ok,” said Even amused again.

Even hugged him giggling and Isak whispered in his ear: “I love you.”

They hugged on their knees until it become uncomfortable, so they pulled back and looked at each other, both holding a smile on their faces.

"So, can I smile again?" said Even.

"Even!" yelled Isak exasperated.

"Because you know, your 15 minutes just ended and it would be pretty difficult to stay sad from now on," said Even amused.

Isak just stared at him with a ' _really, Even?'_ look.

“But what about Eva’s party tonight? Are we going?” said Isak, trying to sound casual.

“Do you want to go?” asked Even.

“Nah,” said Isak.

“Are you sure?” Even started messing with Isak’s hair softly. “All our friends will be there. Drinking beer, having a good time. Beside that, maybe if you got lucky you could hook up with some handsome guy there. Maybe a tall blonde with an incredible sense of humour,” said Even grinning.

“Hm...I don't know about the sense of humour. But maybe if I found a damn giraffe tall blonde with amazing blue eyes…” said Isak shrugging.

“Amazing, huh?” Even said.

“Even though I could think of other adjectives as well,” said Isak.

“Like what?” asked Even.

“Bipolar, for example,” Isak said looking at Even to check his reaction.

Even pressed one hand against his chest theatrically.

“You just used my own condition as a lame joke?” Even said with his eyes closed.

“Oh my god, Even. You gave me a lecture about not giving some name so much power! Why are you like that!?” said Isak angrily.

Even extended his hand towards Isak.

“Even Bech Naeshein, bipolar,” said Even smiling openly.

“Oh my fucking god, Even!” Isak tried to sound angry, but not being able to hide a smile that was insisting to appear on his face. _This unbelievable boy._

Isak pushed Even's back onto the mattress and sat on top of him, putting a pillow against his face and pressing it there.

He could hear Even’s mumbling something but he could not identify why, so he took off the pillow and stared at Even, raising one eyebrow waiting for him to talk.

“How dare you to do that to a bipolar guy!?” Even said with an amused expression.

“Even!!!” Isak put the pillow against Even’s face again, chuckling.

He felt Even’s choking and removed the pillow again, seeing his boyfriend chuckling with his eyes crinkled and his soft messed hair.

Even laughing was his favorite Even. It was his kryptonite. He felt his chest starting aching and his head getting dizzy. Seeing him that happy was the best thing in the world. _I love you so fucking much._

“I love you so fucking much,” said Isak smirking.

“Oh,” Even stopped smiling, surprised with Isak’s suddenly demonstration of affection.

“Even though you will not marry me?” Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak looked to Even's defying and amused expression. _He is so pretty._ He melted over his boyfriend's lap and gave him another crooked smile before saying.

“Yet.”

Even’s eyes got wide and he smiled so so brightly. Isak dropped the pillow on the floor, lowered himself and pressed their lips together softly, still feeling Even’s smile on his lips.

**.**

_Pretty Hurts - Beyoncé_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/5L28Ji31tIWYMPHL9jxVZC ](https://open.spotify.com/track/5L28Ji31tIWYMPHL9jxVZC)

Isak was feeling a little dizzy after he had a couple more beers than he expected to drink tonight. But it still felt good, so he decided that maybe it would be the perfect time to slow down. He was done with his teenage years of feeling wasted and crap in parties. He was eighteen now and he had had his quota.

Even though Eva's house was very big, the party was very crowded. Basically all their friends were there plus a lot of random people that Isak could not really recognize because the light was low, the room only illuminated by the moon light entering through the big glass walls and some multi-colored laser rays moving accordingly to the music.

Even's Bakka friends were also a constant presence in the parties now. What was good. Even always had a good time when they were there. He was somewhere with them, and Isak was chatting with the boys. It was chill. Jonas and Mahdi were now discussing some stupid shit, but Isak was not really paying attention anymore. He turned around taking a look to the room.

He was just so relaxed. He adjusted his snapback on his head and stretched his arms beside his body, it felt so good and it was like they had no mass at all. The music was loud and he could feel every beat shaking his body, and it was an amazing feeling. Some lady was singing, he didn't really know who, but it had a good beat. He liked it.

His mind was clear now. No more bad thoughts, no concerns anymore. They didn't matter in this specific moment, he could deal with them later. Nothing mattered this minute. Isak closed his eyes absorbing all these sensations. He couldn't hear the boys anymore, only the loud music shaking all his body. _Beat_ . _Beat_ . _Beat_ . _Beat_ . _Beat_.

Just another stage

Pageant the pain away

This time I'm gonna take the crown

_Without falling down, [Beat]_

_Down, [Beat]_

_Down [Beat]_

Right here and right now he was so fucking happy. Everything was so right, and he had everything. He kept his eyes closed and even though he was not a dancing person, he couldn't avoid let his body feel the music. He was following the rhythm, moving his head accordingly to the music. _Beat. Beat. Beat. Beat._

He raised his head up and it was so relaxing. He was moving his shoulders and his arms, all the tension going away. He ran one hand to his neck, massaging the skin there, and it felt good, it felt more than good. The loud music filling all his head, not giving space for anything else.

He ran his hand from his neck to his shoulder, squeezing the muscles there. He lifted his head up even more and inhaled deeply filling his lungs with hot air and then slowly exhaling through his mouth. He opened his eyes at same time that a green laser passed by, making him blind for a couple seconds, only being able to see a green blur but still feeling the music over his skin, under his skin. Keeping his eyes opened he inhaled deeply once more and exhaled. The air leaving all the stress away through his parted lips.

Then, the second after, he felt it in his skin, burning it. Isak moved his head to the left, to the left and locked eyes with Even across the room. _Oh._

His boyfriend’s mouth was slightly open. That blue eyes staring directly into his soul. The Bakka's boys were near him, but Even seemed not to notice them at all, his eyes never leaving Isak.

Isak froze being caught in his moment of liberation but he couldn't make himself look away. Even was standing there, resting his forearm above his head on the door frame, not moving a single muscle. Isak felt a cold feeling in his stomach. The lights moving over Even's face and his blonde hair, and over his white t-shirt, making him look like an ethereal figure. _Red_ . _Yellow_ . _Blue. Blue. Blue._

Isak couldn't control the blush that appeared on his cheeks. And Even's gaze was making him feel hot. But before Isak could start feeling ashamed or shy his brain registered Even's expression, he was not amused or with a grin in his face. _He is eyefucking me._

This realization gave Isak courage and washed all the shame away. Maybe it was the beer, but he felt confident immediately. _This is a game that two can play._

Isak kept staring at Even directly across the room and started moving his shoulders and his neck again, never looking away.

He brought the beer bottle to his mouth and pressed his lips firmly on the bottleneck moving his body slowly and not breaking their eye contact. He didn't miss how Even's expression hardened and his mouth closed. Isak took a sip taking care of keep his lips wet. Then he brought his thumb to his lips and brushed it through his lower lip.

He felt hot and sexy under Even's stare and way too high. He felt high even though he had had only a couple beers and nothing more. His skin was burning. He ran his hands through his arms and screwed the sleeves there. He didn't feel ridiculous or ashamed doing that, not when Even was looking at him like that.

Even raised an eyebrow and then brought his own beer to his lips, taking way too time drinking slowly, his eyes always staring at Isak’s soul.

Isak was moving with the beats of the music. In this minute, he was feeling fucking amazing. Even's gaze giving him shrivers and making his heart beat frenetically in his chest. _Fuck._

Even had now his bottle pressed against his lower lip, but he was not drinking anymore. Isak didn't miss how Even was brushing his lip slowly through the glass. Isak wanted to bit it. He wanted to hold that full lips between his teeth and lick them. Instead he brought his all beer to his mouth and ran his tongue through the neck of the bottle, very slightly, but in a way that he knew Even could see it.

Even gave him a smirk and then pressed his mouth to his beer. He started moving his lips there slowly keeping Isak’s gaze. Isak mirrored him, and now they were both staring at each other intensely kissing through their beer bottles.

Maybe it was too much, surrounded by people that they know, but he couldn't give a shit. He was trapped in Even's and his bubble. He slid one hand down his stomach and slightly lifted up the fabric of his t-shirt, just a little, but enough to give Even a sight of his skin there. He notice Even's mouth dropping. _If this is a game, I won._

_Are you happy with yourself_

_Are you happy with yourself_

_Yes_

Isak mouthed 'Yes'.

But then the Bakka's boys started pulling Even and even though he didn't look away, Elias came to his front, shaking his hands in front of Even's eyes blocking their eye contact. Isak couldn't see him anymore. He felt like some spell had just broken. _Am I still supposed to feel things like it was day one?_

The music was fading away now, and he couldn't avoid the little smile that appeared on his face. _I really need to discover what music is that._ Still smiling to himself, he took a sip from his beer and turned around to catch up with the boys.

Then he froze because he saw three open-mouthed faces staring him in disbelief.

"What the..." said Jonas.

"...fuck," said Mahdi.

"Dude...you just eyefucked your boyfriend in front of everyone here?!" said Magnus.

Isak's confidence disappeared instantly and his cheeks turned purple. _Oh._

"Shut up!" said Isak.

**.**

_Call Me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/20I6sIOMTCkB6w7ryavxtO ](https://open.spotify.com/track/20I6sIOMTCkB6w7ryavxtO)

"Isak, dude, we admire your confidence and all. But, dude..." said Mahdi shaking his head.

"I got it," said Magnus.

So, three of them, including a speechless Isak looked at Magnus with a question in their faces.

"No one would think that Isak could get a hottie like Even. So now he needs to keep him going," said Magnus shrugging.

"Oh my god. Shut up, Mags," said Jonas.

"Shut up all of you. Don't you have anything better to discuss than my life!?" said Isak angrily.

"Yes, but your life is way too interesting," said Magnus amused. "It is like I'm seeing a fanfic developing in real life. And a good one, like a _cuteandtwisted_ one!"

"What?" said Isak, Jonas and Mahdi in unison.

But before any of them could ask anything more, someone poked Isak's shoulder. He turned around and saw Eva with an amused expression. _What now?_

"Eva?" said Isak suspiciously.

"I have a note for you," she said trying to hide a grin.

"A what?" said Isak.

"A note. And he asked me to tell you that this note is from a tall handsome blonde guy with amazing blue eyes and...uh...bipolar…I'm quoting him, not my words," said Eva now with a confused expression.

Isak stared at her speechless. Then Eva handed him a small piece of paper and Isak couldn't make up anything to say. He just unfolded the paper and read it, the boys over his shoulders.

_I just met you and this is crazy._

_But here is my number, so call me maybe._

"Rá! Even is so amazing!" shouted Magnus laughing.

Isak gave a look to the entire room looking for some tall handsome blonde guy with amazing blue eyes and an unbelievable trend for cheesy crap things. As his eyes found him staring at him from the mezzanine with the other Bakka boys. When they noticed that Isak was looking they started laughing around Even. All of them, except Even that just kept staring at him, giving Isak a bright smile.

If that were a regular night, Isak would only had rolled his eyes to Even and yelled some obscenity or cursed a lot. Probably making him laugh and be amused as hell. But today, right now, after a couple beers, after their day together, after what they just shared in Isak's little dancing scene, he was feeling too warm. Too happy. Isak just looked up to him, giving him a crooked smile.

He saw then the Bakka boys patting him on the back and Even turned away to face them, shaking some hands.

Isak rolled his eyes for himself, shaking his head.

"Hey, what will be your answer?" asked Jonas.

"My what?" said Isak confuse, turning his head to look at him.

"Dude, we need to answer it," said Magnus.

" _'We'_? What the hell _'we'_?!" said Isak sharply.

"Well, in general I would not be that invested in your love life. But maybe we should return it. Show them that our guy has game too," said Mahdi shrugging.

"What...the...fuck. I'm not your guy," said Isak staring at him angrily.

"Sorry, dude. But you kind of are," said Jonas.

"C'mon, he would love it," said Chris Berg with an amused expression.

"What the fuck, when did you get here?" said Isak.

_But yes, of fucking course he would love it, he is a fucking cheesy bastard._

And Isak knew then that yes, he would answer it. Of course he would. If it would put another stupid smile on Even's face, how could him do not do that.

So he sighed and raised his head up looking at the ceil theatrically in surrender.

"Ok! Someone borrow me a pen!" said Isak extending one hand towards them.

"Uh," said Jonas.

They all stared at each other and touched their own pockets and pants.

"Dude, no offense, but who brings a pen to a party?" said Magnus.

"Hum, I had to agree with that," said Mahdi.

"What!? Wait...what!? You fucking told me to do that!" Isak screamed pointing to them.

"Sorry, bro," said Jonas, but he was way too amused to be truly sorry.

"Maybe we could look for a pen?" suggested Vilde.

Isak turned around and saw Vilde and a couple more people surrounding them now

_Ok! This party is now a circus and I’m the clown!_

He sighed and counted until ten in his head. Then he asked for the crowd near them with the most calm and sweet voice that he could make up now.

"Please, someone has a pen to borrow me?"

"Isak, bro, are you feeling well?" said Jonas.

"Yes," said Isak with a smile on his face, no breathing. "I'm just being patient and gently." He said way too slow between the teeth.

"Bro, no offense, but you are looking like the Joker," said Mahdi.

"For fucking sake!" Isak yelled, making everyone around them jump.

"Some of you could give me a fucking pen? Eva, you fucking live here, don't you have a fucking pen in this house?" screamed Isak with both hands in his snapback now.

The crowd stared at Isak with surprise and then all of them raised their glasses and beers up cheering. And he just stared at them open-mouthed. _Unbelievable_.

He overheard someone saying "How many?" and some other person answering "I counted 3 'fuckings' in a roll!".

He looked up and caught Even looking down confused and amused. He gave him a _This is your fault_ look that probably only made him more confused.

But them his attention returned to the group around them, because Magnus were now clapping

"Ok, guys, I will be your guide in this quest for a pen. You, you and you," he pointed to three random guys. "Look in the kitchen. Vilde, come with me to look in Eva's bedroom," continued Magnus.

"What the hell, you are not entering in my bedroom, Magnus!" said Eva. "I'm looking there, keep going."

"Ah, ok, so the rest of you just look around," said Magnus.

And that was how Isak ended in the middle of a party surrounded by a chaotic crowd that was laughing and running around him focused on a small quest to get him a pen.

He sighed and turned his head to Jonas next to him with a lost expression. Jonas just smiled at him and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. They just stayed like that silently watching the chaotic crowd surrounding them.

Isak opened his mouth to say something when he started hearing applauses and whistles, and he saw people walking away to give space to someone that was running towards them with one raised hand holding a pen.

Isak just looked with no reaction, and then he saw that it was fucking Magnus. Of course.

“Hey bro. You found it,” said Jonas raising his beer up to compliment him.

“Where did you find it?” asked Mahdi.

“I asked Even!” he smiled widely.

“What?” screamed Jonas. “Dude, you are not supposed to ask the guy that we are trying to write a note a pen!” Jonas was shaking his head.

“Nein. He wrote Isak a note, so he clearly had a pen. Rá, I’m so fucking smart. You are just jealous that you didn't think that.” And then he started making a duck face and shaking his head playfully, distributing high fives.

“Gezz. Tell me again why we hang out with this one?” said Mahdi.

Isak was still grumpy, but he was also amused with the absurdity of all this. He sighed and grabbed Magnus’s pen. And then he realized.

“Er...I don't know what to write,” said Isak.

“What?!” a dozen of people said.

“Just write what you would say if you were talking,” said Jonas.

Isak stared at him silently, then flipped around Even’s note and just wrote:

_We fucking live together_

And then he just followed with his eyes Eva walking towards Even to deliver the message, a lot of curious eyes around them. He saw Eva handing Even the paper. He saw his boyfriend giving him an amused look before reading it. And he saw him bursting out laughing and staring at Isak like he was the sun. _Geez._

Then Even leaned over the railing and blew him a kiss. He fucking blew him a kiss in the middle of a party with every single friend of them staring. Isak just frown with a grumpy face. He saw Even staring at him, raising an eyebrow in expectation. Isak hold his gaze giving him a _Hell no, I'm not gonna do that_ kind of look.

But then he looked around just to realize that half party was now staring at Isak also in expectation.

“Isak, won't you return it?” said Sana.

“Of coursing I'm not returning it,” said Isak.

“Ow, now he is pouting,” said Noora.

Isak looked up to Even again and he was indeed pouting. He just yelled to Even be able to hear it above the music. “Stop it! I'm not doing it!”

And then Even pouted even more, making a lot of people beside Isak sigh and say “ow”.

He heard some random guy screaming “Blow him a kiss!”.

He didn't know who was that, but he screamed back. “Shut up!”

And then Magnus started a chorus “Blow him a kiss! Blow him a kiss!” clapping his hands above his head and being followed by a lot of people.

_I will fucking kill Magnus!_

He looked up to Even again to give him a mortal look but then he saw that Even had joined the chorus as well and was clapping staring at him amused. He was just so happy.

Isak had no other choice than blow him a fucking kiss, in the middle of this fucking party, with every single soul staring at them. Even if he felt ridiculous, he tilted his head up and blew him a fucking kiss, rolling his eyes immediately.

But it worth it, because Even was delighted.

 _Fuck it._ Isak looked directly into his eyes and just gave him a wink, being rewarded with a bigger smile.

Oh, his heart. It hurt so good.

**.**

_Yellow - Coldplay_

[ _https://open.spotify.com/track/3e0wYnFxkqinmtXebYPMSt_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3e0wYnFxkqinmtXebYPMSt)

He saw Even turning away and disappearing in the mezzanine above him. For a minute he was just confused staring at the Bakka boys alone. But then he saw them pointing to the stairs below them and mouthing "Go".

Then he turned his head to look at Jonas with confusion. Jonas was smiling warmly and just tilted his head to the stairs. "Go get him" he said amused.

Isak nodded silently and started slowly moving towards the stairs that separated the ground floor from where Even was before. This party was absurd and Even was such a fucking cheesy bastard. But right now, walking towards the stairs his heart started beating fast. And he could not avoid the ridiculous smile on his face.

He started accelerating the pace, until he was running. He was running trying to deviate from the people in his way. With his heart beating faster and faster and the cold feeling in his stomach. The butterflies and all this shit. And right now, in this fucking moment he just wanted to kiss Even. He needed to hold him and kiss him.

He reached the stairs and started running up, but before he could turn the corner, he bumped hardly in Even's chest, that was running down stairs skipping a lot of steps. They would probably have lost their balances, if they haven't hugged each other quickly. Their eyes reached each other and Even gave him a wide smile. And it was it, Isak's kryptonite. He just throw himself in Even's arms pressing their lips together. He loved how it felt to kiss Even still feeling his smile on his lips and noticing it fading away.

They kissed and kissed in the corner of that stair, surrounded by a crowded party and loud music, but no one else was now really paying attention anymore. Even slid his hands down Isak's back and pulled him closer.

Their mouths moving together slowly in the rhythm of the song. Their hands running all over each other backs, pulling closer, holding tighter. But then suddenly Even pulled away to stare Isak.

Isak was confused with the suddenly lost of Even's mouth on his own, he whined and stared at him back in confusion.

"Yes," said Even.

"Hm," said Isak lost looking up to him from under his eyelashes.

"Yes," repeated Even.

"Yes?" echoed Isak in confusion.

"I will look a therapist," said Even staring at him intensely, still hugging him.

Isak was not sure if he was understanding it right, so he just stared back astonished, and then the realization came to him. Even would try it. And maybe this would make him healthier. Maybe it would make him happier. And a smile started spreading over Isak's face.

"Even, we will find the fucking best therapist! I'm the master of looking therapists!" Both starting grinning. Even was looking directly into his eyes with a soft expression.

"You don't need to do anything that you don't want. I mean, you will not take meds if they make you worse," Isak was rambling, but looking at him with so much hope in his heart. "But are you sure?"

"How can I do not do something that will put a smile on your face?" Even said tracing Isak's eyebrow with his finger.

Isak just stared at him in wonder. And then he realized something.

"Even, you did it on purpose, right?" said Isak with a soft frown between his eyes.

"What?" said Even suddenly confused.

"The own goal," said Isak.

Even stared at him with a serious expression before saying "I needed to make you smile." He shrugged and smirked back as saying _sorry I'm like that_.

Isak stared at him back speechless. _Unbelievable. My little ball of cheesy._

"But are you sure?" repeated Isak smiling fondly.

"Now I am," Even said pulling him closer and taking Isak's breath away with a mouth opened kiss. Isak's mind started spinning and he was feeling too much right now. His heart was clenching so hurtfully good in his chest. Their mouths together again and the feeling of their lips lazily dancing together according the song. It was way too overwhelming. _Even, Even, Even._

This minute, they nailed it.


	2. If I Ain't Got You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/nessauepa
> 
> This is specially dedicated to both people that spent their times even if they didn't need to write me a comment. You can't imagine how happy you made me. 
> 
> :')
> 
> I hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> #alterIsLove

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**.**

_Be Still - The Fray_

[ https://open.spotify.com/track/3URt4lJQlANOstDBAWQJA7 ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3URt4lJQlANOstDBAWQJA7)

Isak was in love with Even Bech Naeshein. He was ridiculously in love, and he knew that he was loved back. That was the most incredible coincidence of the universe. Even though he knew that, sometimes he got used to that. After all, he was only human. It felt comfortable, it felt safe. They would tease and laugh, and Isak would forget how incredible was it. It was just so easy to lose himself in him.

But a part of his brain still remembered how it was to be empty inside. How it was to feel alone even though he was surrounded by people. How it was to feel alone in the entire damn universe. In a universe that was infinite and in expansion. How it was to be just wrong.

This was one of the reasons why Isak loved science at first place. Science was an easy escape. All his friends complained about their tests and the useless in learning about proteins and DNA. Isak always smirked back and nodded in agreement. But if he really concentrated on the book, on the reading, the uncomfortable thoughts started fading away. It was relieving. He didn’t need to go there.

Sixth grade. Geology. They were studying rocks and this was so cool. They needed to catalog every single type. So many different rocks. This boy was cool. “ _Hey, do you think the teacher would notice if I skip class?_ ” blue eyes said. “ _Probably, she has eyes on his back. It’s kind of an incredible skill actually_ ”. Blue eyes just smiled sadly, and Isak smiled back. Those were beautiful eyes. Then blue eyes stared at him with a confused look. Isak blushed. Maybe Isak was being weird. Blue eyes were now staring the rocks. They both reached the next rock at the same time, and Isak saw him pulling back immediately. Blue eyes only gave him a quick glance. But it was enough for Isak to see it there. Repulse. That night Isak didn’t sleep. Every time that he tried to close his eyes he saw glacial blues staring at him and then he felt nauseous. Next day Isak didn't want to think anymore. He just read about rocks, about minerals, and about Earth’s age. He slept that night. But those eyes, Isak never forgot them.

Seventh grade. Evolution. Some things were just random mutations, simple mistakes of nature. Some things were meant to disappear. They shouldn’t exist at first place. Maybe Isak was simply a mistake, he was the universe trying and failing. He would be there for a while, and then he would disappear, discarded as a bad engine. Like cancer. He was just wrong.

Eighth grade. Genetics. Each small living being had a unique and specific code that made them unique. Maybe it was way too perfectly designed to be a mere coincidence of the Universe. Maybe his mother was right about God, after all. But Isak was so curious. He knew that was wrong, but he started checking some websites. First, they made him feel good, but then they only made him feel ashamed of himself. He felt literally sick in his stomach. He didn’t really think about hell, but maybe he was going there.

Ninth grade. Reproduction. Maybe if he tried very very hard, he could make himself better. Make himself normal. And then he kissed a girl! And what a feeling. He felt relieved. He went home with a grin on his face. That night he even hugged his mother. “ _The Lord has eyes everywhere and sees everything, Isak_.” And for the first time, he didn’t even care that his mother wasn’t looking at him. That night in his bed, he laughed and laughed, until his chest started aching. He laughed and chuckled until he lost his breath. He felt so fucking relieved. He laughed and laughed. He laughed until he was crying.

Tenth grade. Universe. He was fascinated by everything. It was comfortable to be just an insignificant piece of something so big. All the feelings and all the thoughts were nothing compared to the magnitude of the universe. They weren’t important. Maybe in a parallel universe there was an Isak, exactly like him staring at his bedroom ceil at 4 in the morning, but maybe in that universe he wasn't empty.

Eleventh grade. Chemistry. Isak was strong. He started believing that he could be whatever he wanted to be. He didn't believe in fate. He believed in choices. He went to parties, and he enjoyed it most of time. He drunk and got high, and it was liberating. But it was also scaring, because sometimes when he was high, he couldn't control his thoughts. And then he got a girlfriend, and he knew that all that feelings that he was supposed to feel weren't anything more than chemical reactions. So why his brain wasn't able to create them? He felt nothing. Maybe he was sick, after all. But he had a girlfriend, and all his friends knew it. He was proud of himself. He only hoped that he wasn't feeling like that inside. Fake. Fake. Fake.

Twelfth grade. Even. First, he was only that warm blue eyes across the yard. And the cold feeling in his stomach. Then he was a deep voice that stuck impressed on his mind. And the shivers on his spine. Then Even was looking directly into his eyes and laughing like the sun, heating his entire body. Then he was the sun.

 _Big Bang_! Even that arrived and lightened up everything. He changed everything. Infinitely.

With Even he felt too much, he felt overwhelmed. He didn't even think. He just jumped. He couldn't avoid it. And he really didn't want to. His head was intoxicated in the best way possible. He felt his body being consumed by these feelings like a poison that he was willingly drinking from.

Even made him feel everything. But what he liked most was how he made him feel just normal.

Isak just wanted Even to feel the same way. He wanted to take his fear away. So he skipped classes and consulted every single soul. Sana even brought him to the hospital to talk with her father. Isak went and opened his heart to him. He didn’t even care what could he think about it. _I don't give a fucking shit._ Isak was only a boy still going to school, but he wasn’t ashamed or shy. He was invested.

He only wanted to stop thinking. Isak always thought a lot, and sometimes this was a problem. Sometimes when he looked at his asleep boyfriend looking like a fucking angel he only thought about the butterfly effect. What if therapy were Even’s little flapping of the butterfly's wings. What if this simple action right here, right now made all the difference?

Isak’s friends didn’t get why he was so invested on that. But Isak didn’t care. Isak only wanted to look to his asleep boyfriend at night and don’t think anymore. So, he told his friends to go fuck themselves and let him overreact. If they just knew the things that Even needed to deal with. Fuck them. Fuck them big time.

And he found it. He found the fucking best therapist. Because even though he wasn't really the master of looking therapists, he was the master of caring. He cared so fucking much. He was relieved, and he couldn't wait to tell Even about that. And that night, when he heard the keys at the door, Isak knew that he was one second from smiling. He stood up and waited for him in front of the bed.

“Baby,” yelled Even at the door. Then he turned his head, seeing Isak and a big smile took his face. “I brought your fucking crispy bread, Isak.”

And even though Isak was very smart and studied a lot, he was wrong this time. Because he didn’t smile. This time, Isak cried. But it was ok. After all, he was only human. And this time he wasn't alone. He had arms wrapping him tightly and kissing the tears away. This time he wasn't crying because he was empty, he was crying because he was full. And it was ok.

It was just normal.

**.**

That night they cuddled the whole time. Even never took his arms from him. He kissed his forehead and whispered “ _I love you_ ” in the most random times during the night. Isak felt so warm and so safe. He didn’t know how to explain all the tears that took him suddenly. And Even never pushed him, he just was there for him, hugging him tightly. But Isak could see the worry in his eyes.

Next morning Isak woke up and realized that he was still on Even’s chest and he felt his arms holding him. The first thing that he noticed before opening his eyes were the strong beat of Even’s heart. He loved this sound so fucking much. He moved his head slightly and pressed a kiss on Even’s chest, right above his heart.

Then he raised his head to look at him and saw that blue eyes looking directly into his eyes, and he felt things in his stomach immediately. _It should be illegal to look like this in the morning._

“Good morning,” Even said with a fondly smile, kissing his forehead.

Isak stared at him and then all the events of last night came to his mind, all the cry, and the sobering that came from nowhere. And he felt shy.

“Are you feeling better, baby?” Asked Even softly, but staring at him with concern in his eyes.

Isak sighed, resting his head on Even’s chest again, not allowing himself to look at him anymore.

“Hm...Even…” he said hesitantly.

“Baby?” said Even.

“I’m sorry for yesterday. I don’t know what happened. I got overwhelmed I guess,” said Isak.

“Baby, really? You think that you need to explain to me how your feelings hit you?” said Even. “Isak, look at me.”

Isak tilted his head up to look at him, still feeling timid.

“You feel what you feel, ok?” he said seriously now.

“Ok,” said Isak low.

“Never again apologize for feeling what you feel ok?” said Even kissing his nose quickly.

“Ok,” said Isak smiling shyly.

“Good, and now that we solved this...I can tell that you are recovering really well, judging by what I’m feeling here on my thighs,” Even laughed.

Isak rolled his eyes and just buried his face in Even’s warm chest.

“Baby, it is ok. I’m myself really happy to see you too,” he giggled. He fucking giggled.

Isak didn’t answer anything, keeping his face hidden on Even’s chest.

“Isak, it is nothing to be ashamed of,” he was passing both hands through Isak’s short hair. And it was so damn good. “I mean, actually I would be concerned if you woke up with me looking like I look in the morning and not having any reaction. Have you looked at my messed hair in the morning, Isak?”

Isak couldn’t avoid a muffled laugh.

“And my eyes baby? I was told that they are, and I'm quoting here _‘amazing’_ ,” said Even amused.

Isak raised his head to stare at his boyfriend with a half smile dancing on his face and only one opened eye.

“Even, how are you this talky in the morning?” said Isak.

“Well, this usually happens when I have a hard cock pressed against me,” said Even.

“It is not my fault! I just woke up and it was like that,” yelled Isak.

“Isak, there is a popular saying: _‘if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade'_.” Even stared at him seriously. “Baby, I’m just saying, putting it out there, this is a beautiful morning for lemonade.”

“How are you so horny in the morning?” said Isak shaking his head.

“Fuck, Isak!” he stared at him with a huge grin.

“What?” said Isak confused.

“God, this would give a great punk song! _‘Horny morning’_!” Even smiled.

“What!?” replied Isak.

“‘ _Horny morning! Horny morning_ ’” Even started trying to find a chorus.

Isak just stared at him with an incredulous expression, and for one moment he cogitated that maybe he was still dreaming.

“‘ _We are never boring, this horny in the morning_!’” Even started singing.

Isak hid his face in his hands and mumbled. “This is so bad, Even”.

“Hey, I’m the one giving my blood here to create our song. A little help would be welcome,” Even said.

“Our song? And why do we need to create a song about horny mornings, again?” replied Isak.

“We need to immortalize the moment, Isak!” he said giving a peck to Isak’s neck.

“Yes, of course. This is a great song to sing to our children” said Isak resting his head on Even's chest but still staring at his absurd boyfriend. Isak was always lazy in the mornings.

“Baby!” said Even open-mouthed.

“What?” said Isak confused.

Even flipped them around slowly, climbing onto Isak’s lap and started giving pecks to his neck. Isak that was barely awake, but that couldn't avoid leaning under Even's touch. So he just tilted his head to the side giving Even full access there.

“You saying things like that, about our future and stuff,” said Even with a muffled voice with his mouth pressed against Isak’s neck.

“Hm…It is only an expression,” Isak said weakly.

“Too late, baby,” Even didn’t stop kissing his neck and started running his hands all over Isak’s body, over his chest, his stomach, earning a low moan from Isak.

“Even?” whispered Isak.

“Hm?” mumbled Even lost on Isak’s collarbone now.

“I love you,” said Isak.

Even stopped the kissing session and pulled back a little to stare at him. And the look on his face was a little lost. _My pretty baby boy._ Isak brought his hand to caress Even’s cheek.

“Thank you for taking care of me,” continued Isak feeling suddenly shy again. His heart racing in his chest.

“Always,” replied Even staring at him seriously.

Isak smiled at him and Even lowered his head to join their mouths together with urgency, making Isak gasp in surprise between their mouths.

Isak felt Even’s lips kissing his lower lip, and this was not helping with his current situation. The weight of Even's body over his own, while he was licking from his mouth, was making him feel way too hot. He couldn't avoid squirm under Even’s touch and let go some moans now and then. _Gosh, he gets me going so easily._

Even was attacking his lips, his cheeks, and when he returned his attention to Isak's neck, Isak heard him humming his _‘Horny morning’_ chorus again.

“Oh my god, Even,” Isak laughed. Even didn’t reply, but Isak felt his smile on his skin between each kiss. And this gave him shivers, because yes, Even smiling was kind of a kinky for Isak. Even continued mumbling his lame song on Isak's neck, giving him tickles there, making Isak squirm in return.

Maybe Even took that as encouragement, because he pulled back to start singing his fucking song again, now staring at Isak with a grin on his face.

“‘ _Horny morning, so horny in the morning. The way that you are moaning, make me only more horny in this morning_ ’,” Even was singing it looking directly into Isak’s incredulous eyes.

Isak raised one eyebrow staring at him and even though this was the lamest song in the entire history of the world, Isak was feeling a warm feeling spreading across his entire chest, and he started melting under Even's body.

This was until Even started singing at full lungs “' _Horny in the morning! Hornyyyy in the mooorning!'_ ”

“Even! Shut up!” Isak’s eyes got wide, but he couldn’t help the amused expression on his face.

But this only gave Even more fuel, because he continued at the top of his voice. “ _‘Baby, let's go to Bangkok, cause I only want to kiss your...’_ ”

Isak brought his hand to cover Even’s mouth, but he was chuckling now. “Oh my god, Even! Our neighbors have children!” And even though he couldn't see Even’s mouth anymore, Isak saw the crinkles by his eyes.

And when he removed his hand, Even gave him a quick peck on the lips, still smiling.

“You are so cute in the morning,” Even gave him another peck on the lips, this time taking more time. “Uh, and baby, you talking about _‘our neighbors’_ is a huge turn on.”

“How can you be turned on by shits like that?” Isak was trying hard to stay serious, but smiling instead.

“I don't know. I only know that this made me want to attack you right here, right now,” said Even.

“Hm...you can, you know…” said Isak shrugging.

Even stared at him confused.

“Attack me. I mean, I'm your boyfriend. It is my job to satisfy you if you are horny,” said Isak raising both his eyebrows.

“This is a pretty interesting job!” Even opened a huge grin.

“The best,” giggled Isak.

“You know, you saying that you are my boyfriend is also a massive turn on,” said Even giving him another peck on the lips.

“It seems that you have a huge list there…” smiled Isak.

“Yes, I have,” Even smiled back. “And all the items there are basically related to you,” Even gave him one more kiss on the lips.

“This is expected. After all, I’m your boyfriend,” said Isak pronouncing every syllable slowly and noticing Even’s breathing becoming more irregular.

“Isak, Isak, don’t play with me,” Even brought his hands to cup Isak’s cheeks. He gave him an intense look before giving him one more kiss, but this time moving his lips slowly against Isak's lips.

“Even,” Isak moaned and ran his hands under Even’s t-shirt, feeling the muscles on his back and noticing him shivering under his touch. Isak was proud that he could cause this kind of effect in his two years older boyfriend.

“Hm...Even?” Isak mumbled again between their kisses.

“Hm?” mumbled Even in response.

“Is this normal?” said Isak weakly.

Even pulled back to stare at him with curiosity.

“I mean. We are horny all the time. It is a regular school morning, and we are like that,” Isak said looking at him with concern.

“Baby, you are really concerned about that, hu?” said Even softly.

Isak stared back quietly.

Even sighed and pulled back from Isak’s lap, lying beside him.

“Come here, baby,” Even said extending both hands towards Isak.

Isak didn't think twice before joining their chests together in Even’s embrace. And he was confused because he was concerned, but he was also very horny after their making out session. And Isak feeling Even as hard as he wasn’t helping.

“What are your concerns, baby?” said Even softly hugging him now.

“Hm...I don't know. It's like we don't have any self-control, Even!” Isak said.

“We can have self-control, baby. We just choose do not have,” said Even. “But are you having problems because of our...hm...busy sex schedule? Are you failing classes or something like that?” asked Even with real concern in his voice now.

“Of course not,” Isak scoffed. And Even laughed, kissing his head.

“So what's the problem, baby boy?” said Even.

“Do you really think that we could control ourselves if we wanted?” said Isak low.

“Yes. Even though this would be very difficult with you this cute and pressed hard against me,” said Even.

“Can we do a test, Even?” said Isak shyly.

“A test?” said Even pulling back to look at him and raising an eyebrow.

“Yes. Like a self-control test. Like we need to stay very close to each other, looking into each other eyes or something like that for a couple of minutes. And we need to be able to control ourselves. We can't kiss”.

Even was looking at him with amusement. “Oh my god, you are so cute, Isak.” He gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“Yes, nothing like that. You can't kiss me,” said Isak serious.

“This is really bothering you, right baby?” Even said. “We can do whatever you want.”

“You don't think that this is stupid?” said Isak.

“I don't think that anything you do could be ever stupid,” Even said and Isak gave him a shy smile.

“Can we do that now?” Isak asked.

“Of course. So testing it with both of us that hard, hu? You really want to play in hard level,” Even smiled.

Isak stared back and felt suddenly very dumb. _What a stupid idea._

“How do you suggest us to do that, baby?” said Even.

“Hm...we need to be very close and staring at each other. Maybe I could be on top of you?” asked Isak.

“Ok. I’m liking this test already,” Even said smiling fondly. Then he pulled back, lying on his back and patting his chest. “Come here, baby.”

Isak looked at him insure for a while. _Fuck it, let's do it._ And then he climbed onto his boyfriend's lap and stared at him shyly. He didn’t miss how Even’s eyes closed for a while when their groins were pressed together.

“Hm, Isak,” Even said. “Maybe for the sake of efficacy, you should completely lay on me. Do not use your knees to hold your weight.” He was staring at him seriously now.

And Isak just thought about how Even never made him feel stupid. How he always caressed about what he wanted or what he needed. He was always 100% with him. And he smiled back.

“Ok.” Isak put all his weight on Even’s body under him and crossed his arms over Even’s chest. Then he felt Even bringing his arms to rest on his back. And oh boy, this would be hard. They were so close. He could feel his breathing on his face. Actually, he could feel him everywhere on his body.

“Isak, can we start it?” Even voice was low.

“Wait! We need to put some music. Like romantic music. And we need to last the entire song. Agree?” Isak was serious looking at him.

Even smiled back and extended one arm to reach his phone, keeping the other one firmly holding Isak’s back.

“Ok. So 3 minutes and 48 seconds. Ready?” said Even.

Isak nodded.

_If I Ain't Got You - Alicia Keys_

[ _https://open.spotify.com/track/3XVBdLihbNbxUwZosxcGuJ_ ](https://open.spotify.com/track/3XVBdLihbNbxUwZosxcGuJ)

Even pressed play and brought both hands to hold Isak’s back again. Then they locked eyes, and the singer started humming. 

They were both breathing in the same rhythm now and looking directly into each other eyes. That gave Isak’s shivers immediately, and he saw Even’s mouth crooking in a small smile in return. But his eyes were not amused, they were intensely gazing Isak’s ones. Hot blue ones staring at his soul. _Fuck._

 _Oh boy._ They had just started, and Isak was feeling hot already. No one should be feeling like that on a regular week morning.

Isak stared at Even's eyes, and couldn't believe that anyone could have eyes like that. _Fuck my life._ Dark blue in the middle and so so blue on the corners. The morning light entering through the windows making his eyes look even lighter. Isak was losing himself there. He was pretty sure that he would never get used to Even's eyes. And Isak remembered about Romeo and Juliet and he understood Leonardo di Caprio's Romeo totally right now. _He looks like a fucking angel. So damn beautiful._ And before he could think about that anymore, he brought a hand to Even’s face and started tracing Even’s eyebrow, making Even sigh. _So fucking perfect._

Even mirrored his movement and brought one hand to trace Isak’s eyebrow and Isak's eyelashes. Their breathing becoming irregular, but never breaking eye contact. They were so close and this was so intense, so intimate. Isak could feel Even’s smell, and he had to really focus to keep his eyes opened.

Even was staring directly into his eyes and started caressing his cheeks gently. Isak couldn't avoid leaning against the touch of Even's hand over his face. And a warm feeling began spreading across his entire body.

“Isak," Even said hoarsely "You are the most beautiful person that I have ever known.”

“Shut up,” replied Isak breathless.

“I mean it, Isak. You have got the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen, baby,” he said smiling fondly.

Then Even started whispering _'But everything means nothing. If I ain’t got you'_ still caressing Isak’s cheek softly and looking directly into his soul.

Isak started melting over his lap, and his heart was clenching so good in his chest. Isak felt so overwhelmed that he couldn't suppress what he said next.

“I love you.”

Even breathing start accelerating and he brought both hands to cup Isak’s face.

“Isak…” his voice was hoarse.

“And you are the man of my life,” Isak wasn't even thinking anymore, he just spilled it. The words just leaving his mouth.

“You are killing me, baby.” Even was looking at him, and his expression was suffered.

Isak smirked back and Even started taking glances at Isak’s lips and bringing both hands to brush Isak’s lower lip.

“Shut up, Alicia Keys!” Even whined.

Isak giggled.

“Gosh, I love you, Isak,” said Even and their breathings were completely going crazy now.

“You smell so good, Even,” said Isak.

“God, Isak. I need to kiss you so badly right now." He brought both hands to cup Isak’s face again. And Isak brought his hands to hold them there.

“Me too,” he whispered looking under his eyelashes. He was lost.

“You have any fucking idea how much in love I’m with you, baby,” said Even.

“Baby…” whined Isak.

“It is ending, Isak. It is ending, baby,” Even was whining back.

“It is ending…” Isak echoed.

“We will make it, Isak. I promise you,” said Even.

They were a painting mess staring at each other intensely. Their bodies so close together, both hard pressed against each other.

They heard the last chord and less than one second later their mouths were all over each other. Kissing the air out of their lungs. They brushed their tongues together making both of them moan in each other mouths.

“Fuck, Isak,” he said over Isak’s mouth.

“We made it, Even,” Isak mumbled between their mouths sounding proud.

“We completely nailed it.” Even muffled voice made Isak smile over his mouth and Isak felt Even’s smile on his lips in return.

“What now, baby?” Even said, never breaking their kiss.

“Now we fuck,” said Isak pulling back to look at him.

Even mouth fell open and then his expression melted.

“Now we make love, Isak,” Even said.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Sweet sweet love with my cute boyfriend,” said Even with a challenging look.

“Fuck it. Let's make love, baby,” Isak replied amused. Because who he was trying to trick. He was damn lost for this boy.

**.**

Even was in his second session with his new shrink, Dra. Wiss something. He actually didn't know yet if he liked his new shrink or not.

the First session was only about getting to explain things and introduce himself, a kind of “Hi, bipolar kid, nice to meet you, please fix me” talk. And yes, she was nice and smiled a lot, but still stayed quiet most of the time.

But here he was again. He was trying. He owned Isak at least trying his best to stay healthy. He said to himself that he was doing it for both of them, but who was he kidding, it was all Isak.

So he talked and talked, about every random thing that came to his mind. And then he finished a particularly long piece of divagation about some random shit and stared at his shrink waiting for more instructions on how to proceed. Should he keep going? Should they discuss what he just said?

His shrink stared at him back with a serious expression.

“Sorry. I stopped listening to you in the first _‘Isak’_ and started timing how long you would last talking about him.”

“What?” Even was not sure that he heard it right. So he just stared mouth opened.

But then she smiled widely. And Even didn't understand shit.

“I'm so sorry, I couldn't help myself," she was smiling now. "I'm just kidding. I heard every single word, and I've some notes that I'd like to discuss with you. But if you ask my professional opinion. I'd say you are head over heels in love with your boyfriend. And this is my professional opinion.” And then she winked. She fucking winked.

Even was still speechless. He was not sure if this was even something that shrinks did.

“And are you even allowed to make these jokes? Don't you have some ethical code or something like that? Isak told me about some doctor's greek oath.”

“Well, as long as it feels right at the moment and we are both comfortable with that, then I don't see any problem. And Hippocratic oath has nothing against jokes. Did you feel comfortable with that, Even?"

“Well...I guess. I wasn't expecting it. It's all. My other shrinks were always very professional. I mean, I'm not saying that you aren't professional. But they were always serious, keeping the doctor-patient distance, you know?”

“Well, I'll take that as a compliment, since you're here now with me and not with them," she smiled fondly and continued "I always thought this concept very amusing. If I keep the doctor-patient distance, how can I reach my patients? Some of them have already some isolating disorders like schizophrenia or autism. If I keep them distant, I'll be attending them from the moon. How do you feel about that, Even?” she smiled again.

“It is nice, I guess. It feels more human. With the other shrinks sometimes I felt like they weren't real people with real feelings, so what was the point of talking about my feelings to them, you know? I bet some of them were just drawing dicks in their books of pain while pretending to hear the poor bipolar kid.”

“Hum...as you can see from my lame jokes I'm only human, and indeed I heard more than once that my style is not exactly orthodoxy. My university teacher once called me the Patch Adams of psychiatry. Never was prouder, even though he was not saying that as a compliment.” And then she was not only smiling but laughing to Even.

Even was speechless and couldn't help smiling back. He loved Patch Adams movie so much. And he made a mental note to force his future doctor boyfriend to watch it with him. It would be perfect, how could he have forgotten about that movie?

"Well, talk more about this wonderful boyfriend of yours. He seems to be pretty smart," she said staring at him softly.

"Oh, he is," Even face lighted up. "He will be a doctor like you one day, you know," he smiled at her cocky. "And yes, I get it. What you are trying to do here, making me talk about my boyfriend, make us bond, or something like that," he said with a challenging look on his face.

"Well, you caught me," she laughed again, shrugging.

And Even was confused again.

"But honestly, I would like to talk about him. Because you are in your second session with me and you talked about him like 70% of the time. It seems that you have a lot going on there," she stared at him looking sincere.

"Ok," said Even shyly.

"So, he is smart, and he will be a doctor one day. That is awesome," she said smiling encouraging him to continue.

Even never heard any other doctor using words like awesome in his life. He couldn't avoid the amusement in his voice when he talked.

"Yes. Actually, he was the one that kept asking me to start therapy again. I thought that I was done with this shit." he said lost in this thoughts. "I mean, sorry, I didn't mean like that."

She laughed again. _What a weird shrink._

"Well, now we are going somewhere. So you didn't want to start therapy again? Why did you do it then?" she tilted his head to the side and stared at him like if Even's answer would solve the questions about the meaning of life, the universe and everything else.

"Hm...because of Isak? He read a lot of shit on the internet about therapy helping, and he was so sad asking me to do that. I couldn't deny it. He is already way too good for me. He doesn't need to deal with more shit than he already deals with," Even stared at her, waiting for her guidance on how to proceed.

"Hum. And what are your thoughts about therapy then?" she asked seriously.

"Honestly? I think that this would be a waste of my time. I tried several times before, and this, in general, ended with them giving me a giant list of meds to take. Last time I remember thinking that I'd prefer to live my life in a down episode than to keep feeling the way that the meds were making me feel," he said staring at his hands, and then he raised his eyes to stare at her.

"So, it seems that you had a horrible reaction to your meds," she was looking at him very seriously. "And how do you feel about taking meds now?"

"I won't take them. Sorry, I won't lie," he was staring at her with wide eyes.

"Hm...Even, one thing that we need to have very clear about our sessions is that I'm not here to cure you or to guarantee that you will not have episodes. Neither that you will have fewer episodes. And I'm certainly not a doctor from a horror movie trying to apply electroshock treatment neither fill you with meds if they make you worse," she wasn't smiling anymore.

Even stared at her shyly and she continued.

"I can't conceive the idea of therapy without partnership. Therapy is a two-way street. We're a team. My function here is to help you to figure out things and make you deal better with things in his life. If you don't want to take meds, this isn't an option. You're an adult, and you're responsible for your acts. If I really thought that you should give meds a try, I'd only discuss the idea with you, and we'd talk a lot about it first, we'd consider all options, and we'd certainly track his response to the meds, adjusting the dosage or removing them at all. But right now, I don't even think about prescribing anything for you. But most important now is for you to know the terms of this therapy. We're a team, and you're the coach here, ok?"

"Ok," he answered low.

"How do you feel about it?" she asked smiling again.

"It sounds good," he smiled back.

"Ok, now that we clarified that I'm not some Frankenstein doctor, would you like to discuss some things that I noted here, in my little book of pain?" she was amused.

Even smiled, even though he was kind of confused with this shrink approach. But she seemed a good person, and it seemed like she actually cared. _So, what the hell_. He nodded back.

"Ok, sir. First things first. You said earlier that your boyfriend is way too good for you and that he doesn't need to deal with more shit than he already deals with. Am I correct?" she raised his head from the little book to stare at him.

"Hm...you noted all of this there?" Even was really impressed, he didn't notice her writing anything. "You are a faster writer."

She laughed. "Well, I used to write all the time, you got used to that," she winked again. _What the hell was that with the winks?_

Even sighed and answered. "But yes, I said that."

"Ok, and why do you feel like that?" she asked with a soft voice.

"Well, it is pretty simple. I know that I would be a burden for anyone in a relationship with me, for obvious reasons," he looked at her and continued. "But Isak already had his quota of shit. He is only eighteen, you know, but he got a mother with mental disorders as well, and he gave him a lot of shit when he was growing up. And of course, he was a boy growing up and discovering that he liked boys. He struggled a lot with all this shit. Even though, he dealt with that so well. He got a lot of wonderful friends and he is just so strong. But what he gains from being like that? Bum! A bipolar boyfriend." Even sighed and stared at his hands. "As soon as I discovered about his mother, I tried to stay away...but I guess I couldn't," his voice was only a whispering now.

"Hm...this is though. And you don't think that he could handle it?" she asked.

"Yes, he would handle it like a master. But this is the problem. I don't want him living his life handling things. I want him to have an easy life," said Even with big eyes.

"Ok, I understand that. But can I ask you something and can you answer me honestly?" she stared directly into Even's eyes. "I'm not here to judge you."

Even just nodded in return.

"If the roles were inverted. If Isak were bipolar and you weren't. Would you want to have an easier life? Without him?" She asked him with both hands intertwined in front of her mouth, staring at him seriously.

Even stared at the wall for a while and he tried to think about it. What if he weren't bipolar? It was difficult. Since three years ago this was a huge part of how he identified himself. First, he felt a relieving feeling spreading across his chest, even though he was only dreaming about it. And next, he thought about Isak having episodes, about Isak getting hurt. He thought about never again being able to see Isak's eyes. And his heart starting aching in his chest. He could literally feel the pain. His pretty baby boy, getting hurt. The only boy that made him want to stick with someone for life. He would never leave him. He would stay in every bad episode. He'd hug him two weeks straight if it made him feel better. Even knew that Isak was strong and he was proud of him. But he was older, and he felt like Isak was his baby boy. He only wanted to take care of him for life. To protected him. And he realized how cheesy this sounded, but he'd give his life for Isak. He'd take his pain away if he could. And for the first time in his entire life, he felt relieved that he was bipolar. _Shit._

"No. I would never in a million years want to be without him," he said, and he sighed.

Dra. Wiss nodded and smiled back.

"Ok. So we ran out of time. But I would like to say I'm very proud of our progress. I would risk saying that we scored a goal here," she winked back. _Of course she winked._

And Even left that session a little confused, a little taken aback. But he also was with a lighter chest. She was messing with his brain. But maybe this was a good thing. After all, his brain was messed up anyway. He couldn't avoid this thought, and then he laughed to himself. But most of all, he really needed to go home and hug his boyfriend. He needed just to feel him.

_Dra. Wiss psychiatrist 10/10 would recommend._

**_._ **

That night Even went home and discovered his boyfriend making the dishes wearing earphones and beating one foot rhythmically on the floor. He hugged him very tight before he had noticed him and rested his chin on Isak's shoulder. He felt his boyfriend jumping and shivering on his touch.

“Fuck, Even. You scared the shit out of me. Didn't see you arriving”.

And Even could feel Isak's heart racing against his hands that were holding Isak's chest. And he loved how this made him feel just calm.

“Sorry, baby. I didn't mean to scare you," he pressed a kiss on Isak's head. "But guess what? I have a new movie to us to watch”.

“Nooooooooooooo! Please, you can't scare me twice on a roll, Even!” Isak leaned his head back against Even's chest and was whining now “I made the dishes, I don't deserve this.”

Even held his boyfriend's waists and turned Isak around to face him. He gave him a slow kiss on the lips, feeling him leaning over his touch. _So fucking cute._

“Halla,” Even said fondly.

“Hi,” he smiled back, and Even's heart melted a little.

He got Isak's hands and put them on the back of his neck, under his hair. It was already a thing between them. Even would force Isak's hand into his neck begging for his touch and Isak would willingly start interlacing his fingers there, pulling Even's hair softly.

Gosh, he loved it. It made him feel things in his stomach that he never felt with anyone else. A delicious freezing sensation. Isak knew the effect that it had in Even, and he used it with wisely and hurtful parsimony, the little devil. It was like he wanted to keep him begging for it. Isak was such a teaser. But he liked it. For fucking sake, what could he don't like about this boy? He realized how embarrassing gone he was. But he didn't give a shit.

Even in general tried to keep it cool, but when Isak sometimes grabbed his neck and then his hair while kissing him open-mouthed, Even couldn't avoid a moan escaping from his lips. No matter if they were at home or in the middle of a party. It was kind of embarrassing, but he couldn't help it. And even with his eyes closed, he could always feel Isak's little diabolic smile in his mouth. A kind of “victory” smile. And even this Even thought that was the most adorable thing ever.

“It's part of your personal cultural education. And you will love it. It is about some mothafucka doctor defying every conventional medical rule”.

And with this description he gained a suspicious look from his boyfriend, that was squeezing his eyes, and he couldn't avoid his smile. He was so damn fucking cute. So he gave him a quick peck, laughing.

“Is this some movie without scenarios with only the plants of the buildings drawn on the floor?”

“Nein” Even laughed, Isak was really not into that Lars Von Trier movie. He complained the entire movie. And Even laughed so much that he was out of breath in some parts. But one time he did overhear him talking about it with Jonas at a party, seeming very enthusiastic and Even was so fucking proud.

Isak's squeezed eyes were now almost closed.

“Hm...It has Nicolas Cage on it?”

“What? Do you think that I would show you some Nicolas Cage movie?” Even tried to sound offended, putting one of his hands on his own chest and pulling back.

Isak pulled him close by his neck, bringing their noses closer.

“Hm...could you give me a hint?” Even didn't miss how Isak's tongue touched his upper teeth when saying _‘hint’ _. Was he intentionally trying to seduce him? _Baby, I'm already so gone.___

____

"It starts with P” said Even.

____

“Hmmm...Paaaa...Peeee...I know it. Paranormal activity!" he sounded cocky.

____

“Oh my god, Isak. I will never ever again watch anything quite similar to that with you again. Have you forgotten last time that you couldn't sleep for an entire week? The first day I had to follow you to the bathroom in the middle of the night because you were scared of going alone. And we fucking live in a kitnet, Isak! You even made us check under the bed before sleeping, for fucking sake. And how is this shit related to a doctor defying rules in any possible way?” said Even.

____

“I wasn't serious about checking under the bed, Even. I was kidding!” he rolled his eyes, and he was truly offended. “You know what? No hands on hair for you,” he removed his hands from Even's hair.

____

“Hey, baby. Don't be absurd.” Even grabbed Isak's hands and put them again in the back of his neck leaning against his touch and Isak allowed him.

____

“Hm...Isak?” said Even low.

____

“Hmm?” mumbled Isak.

____

“I had my second session with that shrink…” he was staring at him suddenly shy.

____

“And did you like it?” Isak was staring at him with wide open eyes. _Green. Green. Green._

____

“Actually, yes,” he noticed the surprise in his own voice. “She is a little eccentric, but she is a real person, you know what I mean? I don't feel that I'm alone in the session with her. It felt like we were doing some job together. As a team, I don't know”. He realized that he was sounding like a child telling his parents about his first day of school. But fuck it. Isak was staring at him so concentrated. He knew how much Isak cared about him having a therapist help. He told him so many times about what he was reading and about therapy. He was way too sure that Isak knew more about his own illness than himself.

____

Isak didn't say anything, just thrown himself into Even's arms. Hugging him tight and burying his head on Even's crock of neck. Even lowered his head slightly to smell his boy's neck. Best scent in the world.

____

“You know, we talked about you.” He whispered in Isak's ear.

____

Isak pulled back to stare at him, still keeping his arms over Even's shoulders. Their heads very close, staring at each other eyes.

____

“You did?” He asked like a little boy talking about Christmas. And Even thought that no one could be more adorable.

____

“Of course we did. You are my beloved boyfriend. We live together. And you are the most important person in my life.” Even noticed the blushing red appearing on his boyfriend's cheeks. _So fucking adorable._

____

“You are so fucking adorable, Isak!” Even almost screamed, squeezing him in his embrace.

____

“I'm not adorable! What the fuck. What this even means?” said Isak.

____

“So you are complaining even you didn't know what I mean? That is my boy," Even chuckled and kissed his forehead. "And for your information, you are fucking adorable. Like a fat newborn baby panda.”

____

“Whaaat?” yelled Isak.

____

“Sorry. It was the most adorable thing that came to my mind. After you, of course,” Even was trying to hide a smile.

____

“Oh. My. God. Even, I'm finishing whatever we have between us right now,” Isak said seriously, but Even was way too amused.

____

“Wait!” Even's eyes got big.

____

“What now, Even?" said Isak.

____

“Fat newborn baby panda with green eyes!” Even smiled back.

____

Isak was speechless and kept just staring at Even shaking his head slowly, with wide opened eyes and lips slightly parted.

____

Even couldn't bear anymore and started laughing holding him tight, squeezing him in his embrace.

____

Isak started struggling with him, trying to get out of Even's attack. "Let me go!" But Even could tell that he wasn't trying hard.

____

“Shush, baby. Do you want to know my doctor's professional opinion about my feelings for you?” he asked staring at him again.

____

Isak stopped fighting and stared back at Even with big green eyes.

____

“Did she say something about me?” asked Isak.

____

“Yes. And I'm quoting her now _‘I would say that you are head over heels in love with your boyfriend’_ ,” Even said and smiled fondly.

____

“Really?” Isak opened a huge grin.

____

Even's expression melted looking at his baby boy bright smile and he raised your hand to caress his cheek.

____

“Yes, and it is her professional opinion,” Even replied.

____

And Even knew then that yes, he liked his new doc.

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so any thoughts about what should they discuss about?
> 
> I'm really planning a chapter where they will just be horny as hell...soon
> 
> And I also don't want to think about it, but Even is bipolar, and he will have an episode eventually. I don't know how bad will it get, but I'm crying in the club even before writing it. :'(
> 
> I can't think about hurting them. My head is fluffy only at this point.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun facts behind the scenes :p
> 
> \- The initial plot was a verse where Isak time to time catches his boyfriend singing when he thinks that he is asleep, but then it turned into Even and Isak living together, in love and talking about their feelings and insecurities and growing up together.
> 
> \- My wrote process was a mess, I wrote the first scene first, then I started writing random pieces as soon as they came to my mind. It was like I was possessed by Even and Isak, they took the reins. Then, later, I had to organize it in a way that it made sense. 
> 
> \- In this organization process, I had to cut 2 whole scenes from this chapter, that I'm planning to use in the next chapters.
> 
> \- One of the cut chapters was the one when Even goes to his new shrink. The name of his shrink was chosen in honor of cuteandtwisted, a fantastic writer, that authorized me to use it. I was proud of the result, I thought that this scene is cute and funny (sorry, it is not twisted).
> 
> If you read it until here, congratulations, I'm really surprised. Please leave a comment talking about your fav parts, if you felt something reading it, I would love to know. I would also love to receive ideas and songs.
> 
> Thanks for reading it :)  
> Alter er love


End file.
